Rediscovering yourself beyond motherhood

Blog #1- 16/1/25

Meeting the ‘New’ You

Matrescence (the shift from maiden to mother), is a shapeshifting experience. Once you have children you may not recognise yourself as easily and feel you’re a bit lost beneath all the baby caring and day to day mundane tasks.

Motherhood is a sacred role, one that is of utmost importance, and in my opinion THE most important role any of us can play in this world. The work of mothers is immense and often under appreciated and unseen, yet the very fabric of our societies relies on the invisible and unpaid work of mothers.

One of my teachers Julia Jones says, “when a baby is born, so is a mother”, and it’s true. You might feel a great sense of grief for your old pre-mother self once you find yourself in the depths of motherhood. During this time of Matrescence (which we also ride, even if we never have children, but is particularly boldened when we do) we go through this process of huge growth within our own identity and sense of self. (find out more about how you can have a supported and celebrated Matrescence here).

The relationship we have with ourselves sets a foundation for all our other relationships, and connecting with ourselves outside of motherhood is a necessity rather than a luxury. If we are to have a fulfilling life and feel like we are thriving rather than just surviving.

Whilst some of us might find motherhood (or aspects of it), enjoyable or feel like being a mother is our ‘purpose’ in life, that doesn’t mean we can be totally nurtured, nourished and full from this role alone. Just like our children cannot get everything they need in life from just us alone, and benefit from connecting with multiple people, we are just the same.

Making time for this ‘journey’ of rediscovering yourself within motherhood may not be simple or easy, especially in the first year of your babies’ life. However, when you feel the desire or need to reconnect with yourself, I encourage you to follow it and make space for it. This might mean reducing or eliminating other things that are not as important, hello dropping the ball with housework and the pressures of making your home look unlived in. Hopefully you have dropped the ball on that one already, because there is a time for housework and my friend it is NOT during the intense first year postpartum. Let it be someone else’s problem.

Making space for you again requires boundary setting, something I hope the importance of has become clear and has been a big realisation for you during motherhood so far. It also requires acceptance, accepting that you deserve this time to connect with yourself outside of motherhood, as a basic human right, you deserve the time to connect with you!

But where the heck do I start I hear you say. You might find the first few times you have moments to yourself without your baby or children present, you find it hard to clear the noise of wondering if your baby or children are alright, or if the person looking after them will meet their needs in the same way as you. The answer is no one else will be Mum to them, but their basic needs will be met and the time you now have to connect with you is more important than being in control of the care of your children 24-7 365 days of the year, and in fact time away from you and with others will not only support you, but also be great for them!

We need to chuck out the idea we have in our minds about what a ‘good mother’ looks like, because believe me no matter what that image conjures up in your mind, she isn’t real! We need to understand that self-care (in the way of meeting our basic human needs, and desires as well as making time to connect with self and community- rather than the image of self-care ONLY being face masks, spa days and facials), rather than being selfish is actually like compost is to a garden, in that it creates a fertile soil from which effective parenting can flourish.

You can begin by brainstorming things that used to fill your cup pre motherhood and notice how they make you feel thinking about them now. It may be a hobby, exercise you used to love (making sure your body is also ready for this), enjoying a favourite drink or treat in peace, journaling, watching a movie or show, listening to a podcast or music, reading, connecting with a group or community that’s important to you, doing work that you enjoy.

Whatever it is just start and approach this reconnection to yourself as play. You might even discover the new you enjoying a new hobby or type of play that you never thought imaginable pre-children.

A Mum who is well connected to herself, her own needs and desires, can be better equipped to provide great care for others, especially her children. You might be surprised how quickly having this time for you impacts your mothering, improves your overall sense of self and supports deeper more meaningful relationships with others.

Here are some things you can take towards actioning this in real life:

1). Make a list of things that used to fill your cup pre-kids and see how they feel to you now. You might go through a bit of a trial-and-error period to see what still fits and what doesn’t. Then make space for exploring new things.

2). Talk to people in your circles who can support you and encourage you in getting time to reconnect with self. Whether it’s a partner, friend, family member, or paid care being the ‘on duty’ adult with your kids. Or people to remind you, hold you accountable and check in with how you’re going with it.

3). Make space for the ‘me time’, there’s nothing wrong with literally scheduling it in on the calendar, in fact for me that’s the only way things get done. Remember that being consistent with this time is better than huge chunks less often. So, aim for whatever is doable and within your needs. Some of us need more alone time than others. It might be weekly, three times a week, whatever your personal needs and desires are.

4). Commit to it- you don’t have to be doing the exact same thing each time you have you time, and you also might use the time to explore new things. However, there is great merit in committing to a thing and seeing where it takes you. For example, a regular yoga class. It can be great to have a good mix of things you do in your various ‘you time’ slots, so that you can try and fore fill your various needs for example something that fuels your physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual, personal, professional needs. This can take time and practice so be gentle with yourself throughout the process.

5). Celebrate and acknowledge the wins. This stuff is hard work so make sure to recognise and celebrate any efforts you make towards reconnecting to yourself!

Remember you are more than a mother, you are a divine feminine goddess who deserves and needs time to know herself and to connect to and with things that fuel her. So take three deep breaths and go for it!

Big love,

Rach.